Standing Tall
by JadeHeart
Summary: As Yuri grapples with the realities of the responsibility of sending men to war, Conrad speaks of that fateful day he rode to the Luttenberg Line.


Title: Standing Tall

Author: JadeHeart

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Rating: PG-13

Genre: General

Spoilers/Timeline: Spoilers for episode 52.

Summary: As Yuri grapples with the realities of the responsibility of sending men to war, Conrad speaks of that fateful day he rode to the Luttenberg Line.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Kyou Kara Maou', nor am I making any profits from it.

-oOo-

"How can Gwendal do it?" Yuri asked, elbows splayed across the windowsill, his chin resting on them. His face was confused and a little sad, with a touch of anger showing in the tightness around his eyes. "How can he send people off to fight, knowing that they might die?"

"That is the nature of war, Your Majesty," Conrad said quietly, standing by Yuri's side as always.

Yuri rolled his head so he could look towards Conrad. "But how can he do it time after time?" Yuri returned his contemplation back to the window and the bleak sky beyond the glass. "Doesn't he ever feel sick doing it?"

"He does it because it is his duty."

"Duty? That shouldn't be enough!" Yuri said sharply, hands clenching. "Duty is never enough to balance out someone's death!"

"Then what would you have him do, Your Majesty?" Conrad questioned seriously. "Would you have him delegate that responsibility to someone else who might not be as capable as he and let them make the decision instead?"

"No…o," Yuri answered reluctantly. "Gwendal is the best there is in the whole Demon Kingdom."

"Indeed he is," Conrad confirmed immediately. "And he would never shirk his responsibility by asking someone else to do what he is not prepared to do himself. He has fought on the front lines and goes where he is needed, wherever that may be, no matter how dangerous and makes his decisions based on this experience and skill. The men know this as well and that is why they accept his orders."

Yuri sighed softly. "I know," he said in a low voice. "I know the soldiers really respect Gwendal. But it still seems wrong." His gazed fixed on a distant spot towards the mountains, crowned by dark clouds. "It just doesn't seem right that anyone should have the power to make the decision of someone else's life or death."

"That is just the way of the world, Your Majesty," Conrad replied quietly, arms crossed over his chest as he leant his shoulder against the wall and gazed out the window also. "Someone has to make those decisions at some point. A soldier has to hope that such a decision is the right one."

There was a long silence between them before Yuri spoke again.

"Conrad," he said softly. "What is it like to go off to fight at someone else's order?"

Yuri didn't know if he was prying or if this was something too personal to discuss but he felt he needed to know. It had been something he had been thinking about for sometime now. He was the Moah, the Demon King, and it was on his command that the Demon Kingdom went to war. It was his order that sent the armies marching, that sent men off to fight with some to never return. It was enough to wake him at night bathed in a cold sweat.

"As a soldier you accept that this will be the case," Conrad replied. "That is the duty you acknowledge when you choose the sword as your profession."

"Is that really all there is to it?" Yuri questioned, straightening and turning to face his mentor. "Don't you question why you are doing it? What it is all for? Do you feel nothing more than acceptance and fulfilling your duty when you march to war?"

"Most times," Conrad said.

"Most?" Yuri picked up on that single word.

"Sometimes it has been different. At least once it was for me." Conrad's eyes focused on a distant past.

"When?" Yuri probed, curious now.

"Many years ago," Conrad began, "When we were heading for the Luttenberg Line." Conrad's expression grew distant, his eyes unfocussed.

"What happened?" Yuri asked. "Please tell me!"

Conrad looked back at him. "It's not really that important, Your Majesty," he began.

"But it is!" Yuri exclaimed, staring earnestly up at Conrad. "It is important to me!" His hands clenched into fists before him as he sought to try and explain. "I want to know more about you, Conrad. I want to know what you felt. I need to know!"

"It's all right, Yuri," Conrad said soothingly, resting one hand on Yuri's shoulder, feeling the tense muscles. "I don't mind telling you if you really wish to know."

"I do!" Yuri nodded emphatically. "I want to know why that time was different for you."

"Very well," Conrad responded. He let his hand fall from Yuri's shoulder and turned to face the window fully. The crescent moon now showed through a break in the clouds.

"It was during the last war between the Demon Kingdom and humans. You know of the Luttenberg Line, don't you?"

Yuri nodded, thinking back on the time the Demon Mirror had sent him back to the past and he had met Julia von Wincott. He had seen that fateful day when Conrad had ridden out to battle. That day had changed his life too; even whilst it had broken his heart.

Conrad continued speaking. "I was in command of the Luttenberg Division and had been ordered there with the last troops still within the city. Ordered by the Demon King herself."

"That was…." Yuri blanched as he realized that the one who had given that order had been Cecilie von Spitzberg, Conrad's own mother.

Conrad's crooked smile reassured him. "Yes, it was Mother who sat on the throne at that time, but it wasn't only her decision. She had to abide by the wishes of the rest of the Council also and it had been a unanimous vote lead by the Regent, Lord Stoffel von Spitzberg."

"Couldn't she have stopped it though?" Yuri asked almost desperately. "She was the Moah!"

"It was different back then," Conrad said a little sadly. "I don't blame her for it. She really didn't have a choice at that time." Conrad's lips twitched a little with humour. "I probably didn't make things any easier for her either at the time. I didn't try to ingratiate myself with the nobility and they shunned me because of my mixed blood. It was just the way it was."

"So what… happened?" Yuri questioned.

"I obeyed. We could have waited longer. We were told supplies were coming but the Council had made it more than clear that they would rather we were gone sooner rather than later. To be honest, it wouldn't have mattered about the supplies; the result would have been the same. So we had a day to prepare before being ordered to leave by nightfall. That way we could ride most of the night and reach the Line by morning." Conrad's smile twisted a little. "Just in time to begin battle."

He ceased speaking for a moment and Yuri almost held his breath in the tense silence. The aura around Conrad had an intensity that was almost suffocating. Yuri could remember feeling that intensity from Conrad before. Once when he faced the assassins in the church and lost his arm. The second time was when Conrad had placed himself before Yuri at the last battle for the Lost Boxes and he had been pierced by numerous arrows and nearly died. At those times Yuri had felt the power of Conrad's emotions almost overwhelming him; the determination, the desperation, the desire to win at all costs. It had frightened him, even whilst it had reassured him.

Conrad continued his story again, his voice suddenly loud in the silence that had been gathering making Yuri start.

"When we left dusk was just falling. There was no fanfare, no parade to see us off. We were just a small troop of men, some still wounded but not given any more time to heal before being ordered back to fight. There was nobody to be seen. The night was so still and silent we could hear the sound of shutters and doors being closed so as not to see us as we passed."

"Why?" Yuri said with surprise. "Why didn't anyone want to see you?" He was beginning to feel the first touch of anger at the townspeople who had treated Conrad and the other soldiers so harshly. It seemed so callous and unnecessary.

Conrad smiled sadly. "There is a superstition that to see the dead meant you would die soon after. That is why."

"Dead?" Yuri's eyes widened.

Conrad's sad smile remained. "To the people, we were already thought of as dead," he explained. "None of us were expected to survive and return. I had spent many years being shunned due to my mixed heritage, even by my brothers. That night had just seemed to be the culmination of everything, the sum total of my entire existence ending with that final ride."

"But that's…that's horrible!" Yuri stammered, eyes pricking with tears. All the soldiers who had left that day, shunned by the very people they were going to fight to protect with their very lives if necessary. How had they felt as they rode through the dark, silent streets, hearing those sounds and knowing what they meant? How had they felt knowing that everyone was already turning their backs on them? What a terrible, terrible feeling that must have been for what might be the last time for many of them.

Conrad continued. "That time was when I truly wondered what was it all for. It all seemed just so senseless, so pointless. It wasn't that I wondered if I would live or die. I already believed that I wouldn't survive so I guess I had already accepted my death. What I questioned was what seemed like the pointlessness of my, and the others', deaths because I didn't believe it would change anything. It all just seemed like a waste of time."

"How could you believe that?" Yuri cried, hands clenching at his side. "You are so very important to so many people, Conrad! Even to Gwendal and Wolfram. You know that!"

Conrad smiled at him. "Back then I wasn't," he said quietly. "Back then I was just a traitorous half breed, likely to turn on my masters and rip their throats out. I was looked upon as nothing more than a mongrel among a pack of pedigrees. My only value was in spilling my blood to protect the Kingdom. That is all any of us who rode out that night were. We had all accepted that that was all we were worth, and we had accepted that none of us would last a week on the Luttenberg Line. It didn't have its reputation for nothing. More men had seen their doom there than anywhere else during that bloody war. That is why we were sent there."

Conrad lifted a hand and rested it on the glass before him, the thrum of the raindrops striking against it reverberating through his palm. "I remember reading a story to you, Yuri, once when you were very small about an elephants' graveyard; a place where elephants went to die and only elephants." Conrad's lips thinned into a straight line and his eyes narrowed for a moment. "The Luttenberg Line was the 'elephants' graveyard' for all those of mixed blood. That is where we were being sent; simply to die." His head dropped and a bitter smile curved his lips for a moment. "Many of us almost welcomed the thought of an end to our wretched existence as it had become. The only thing left to us was that if we were not able to hold our heads up and have pride in living as men of the Demon Kingdom, we could at least retain that pride by dying as such. "

"But that's so wrong!" Yuri exclaimed, reaching out and gripping Conrad's arm tightly. "You can't think like that and just give up! If you don't have hope you have nothing!"

Conrad touched his hand to calm him "You're quite right," he agreed. "But at that time we had lost all hope. How can you hold onto hope when no-one cared whether you lived or died?"

"But there were people who cared!" Yuri exclaimed. "You know Cecilie thinks the world of you, and despite whatever Wolfram or Gwendal may have said they both have always thought of you as their brother and never wished any harm on you!"

"I didn't believe it back then," Conrad said softly. "I was a lot younger then, and more hot-headed. Every time Gwendal seemed to shun me or put me down; every time Wolfram refused to acknowledge me as a brother, calling me 'that person' it hurt. And every time it hurt it made me angrier." Conrad looked at Yuri with a warm smile. "You know how brothers can be."

Yuri thought about his own relationship with his older brother. Yes, he found Shori impossible sometimes; arrogant, always acting like he knew what was best and ignoring what Yuri might want or say. He found it really irritating when Shori tried to tell him what to do and treated him like he was some little kid who was incapable of thinking for himself. All those things drove him to distraction and yes, they spent a lot of their time arguing over things, sometimes the silliest things too. Yet, for all that, Yuri knew deep down that Shori would do anything for him. He knew that if he ever needed anything, if he ever truly needed help that Shori would move heaven and earth and everything in between to be there for him. A smile touched Yuri's lips. After all, hadn't his big brother given him the moon?

But Conrad's circumstances had been different to his. Conrad was only a half-brother to both Gwendal and Wolfram, and he was the only one to be half human. Both those things would have played a part in making him feel isolated from his siblings. Yuri grimaced. Wolfram wouldn't have made it any easier either from what Yuri had gathered and seen on his brief foray into the past. And Gwendal always maintained such an impassive front that he could understand why Conrad might have truly doubted that his brothers had any feelings for him at all. That must have been so hard to deal with. How would he have felt if Shori had ever turned his back on him? He shuddered. Just thinking about it made his heart hurt. So how much worst must it have been for Conrad?

"However," and Conrad turned to look back out the window. "it was then that what seemed to be a miracle occurred." A different smile curled his lips, a smile of warm remembrance. "As we rode under the last watch tower gate, knowing we were going to our deaths and filled with resignation, flowers began falling from the sky, raining down upon us as we rode by." He glanced at Yuri. "Do you know the flowers Mother named for each of us, her sons?"

Yuri nodded, seeing in his mind's eye the garden bed set in the main courtyard of Blood Pledge Castle, the three segments filled with one type of flower each. "Yes."

"The Secret of Gwendal, Beautiful Wolfram, and Conrart Standing Tall," Conrad smiled more warmly, eyes twinkling. "Mother always had a strange way of showing her affection."

Yuri grinned back in agreement. Cecilie could be rather strange sometimes but there was no denying the love she held for her children.

"It was petals of that flower, Conrart Standing Tall, that fell upon us, falling like snow," Conrad held out a hand before him, palm up as though to catch something falling. "All the men with me recognized it. We didn't know who had done it but at that moment every one of us lifted our faces to the sky to watch and for an instant it gave us hope. Just that single gesture, the knowledge that someone, just one person, was wishing us a safe journey, that one person took the time to see us leave and wanted to share that moment with us, touched our hearts more than you can know. It was at that moment that we decided to try our hardest. We may not survive, but we would live, fight, and if necessary, die as men. With honour and pride in our heritage. That meant more than anything, more than a hundred cheering parades."

Conrad turned back to Yuri. "You know that only myself and Josak survived that battle, don't you?" Yuri nodded silently. Conrad gave a small smile. "Although all the other men died there they all had one thing in common, besides being of mixed blood. Every one of us carried a single petal from those flowers that day, each of us having captured them as they fell. When those men fell they had wrapped those petals in cloth and kept it close to their hearts. It was a reminder that someone had believed we were worth something and that was worth fighting for. That was how powerful that moment was to us."

Conrad's shoulders lifted, his posture straightening as though coming to attention, chin rising. "That moment reminded us to stand tall, no matter what happened. For we were men of honour and pride and no-one could take that away from us."

Yuri felt tears pricking his eyes. He could remember that day all too clearly, remembered what he had seen and experienced, the pain he had felt. He remembered how Wolfram had looked as he had stopped Julia's carriage and handed the bouquet of flowers to Yuri, unable to say was he really wanted to, unable to bring himself to actually acknowledge his older brother and see him off due to his own pride. Yet, still unable to prevent himself worrying and perhaps regretting not being a better brother to the man who was now riding to what most believed was certain death. The only thing Wolfram could do was choose the flower that was named for his brother, asking for it to be given to him on his departure. That gesture alone showed what was truly in Wolfram's heart, even if Conrad at that time couldn't see it.

Yuri also remembered all too well the feelings of despair and anger at watching Conrad, Josak and the other soldiers ride away, realizing that no-one was there for them. The only people watching were he and Julia, such an insignificant farewell to those who would become heroes of old. He had hardly recognized the stiff-faced, hard-eyed, almost sullen looking Conrad of that time; the air of resignation, of not caring any longer hovering around him like a cloak. It had almost broken his heart then, seeing that expression on one he loved.

Watching those soldiers leave, seeing the faces of those men who never returned from that fateful ride and now truly realizing they were once real live people not just a story told to him, had torn at his heart, making it hard for him to breathe. Each one of those faces were now seared into his memory. Painful, yet he welcomed that pain because it would stay with him all of his life and be a constant reminder to never forget that the men who fought the battles were always real and should be treated as a precious commodity and not wasted frivolously.

He had broken down weeping at that moment as the last of the column had passed under the gate, unable to watch any longer. His tears had felt hot, scalding his cheeks, his throat aching, his chest tight. He had thought he would break even more when Julia had held him, clasping him tightly as she had whispered those words he would always remember, "No-one weeps for them except you." Yuri had vowed then that he would never let anyone leave like that again; unacknowledged, not knowing how much they were loved or would be missed. He would never let anyone feel as alone as those men had been. He would learn to stand tall just as they had and face what ever tribulations were thrown at him head on. He would find the strength to do that somehow.

Now he wondered if he had been meant to have been there on that day in the past. Would Julia have thrown the bouquet out the window as he had done? Would she have wept for them? Perhaps; he would never know now. One thing he did know is that Julia still would have found a way to be there that night to see them. She at least would not have let them leave alone.

He looked up at Conrad, upon that familiar profile, hair now crisply kept cut short and clean, eyes bright, not hollow. Should he tell Conrad what had actually happened that night? No, it was probably better not to. It was all in the past now, long gone even if not forgotten. He smiled to himself, feeling a warmth inside. He had been able to make a difference to Conrad and the other soldiers. It may not have been a big thing and it may not have saved any lives, but Conrad had said that it had meant a great deal to them for it had given them hope and the desire to go on living.

And where there's hope there is life. Conrad was proof of that.

~End~


End file.
